


Crash and Burn

by NumptyPylon



Category: The Dragon Prince (Cartoon)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Banter, Multi, Post-Canon, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NumptyPylon/pseuds/NumptyPylon
Summary: The wedding of Callum and Rayla offers all of Nyx’s favorite pastimes: trolling the lovebugs, conning for free food and drinks, teaching age-inappropriate language to children, quoting Harrison Ford characters…Really, why WOULDN’T she attend, invited or not?(Which she is not. She is emphatically NOT invited.)
Relationships: Callum/Rayla (The Dragon Prince), Ellis/Ezran (The Dragon Prince)
Comments: 81
Kudos: 144





	1. Crash

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so this is just a paper-thin excuse to write Nyx trolling everyone, because I was so massively entertained the first time, and I need it in my life. First part is two brief excerpts from [Downtime in Wartime chapter 23](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22774909/chapters/56145604), because I wanted everyone to have the context for the fic (I cut out most of the mushy Rayllum, but if you want that part you now know where to find it 😊). 
> 
> Warning for language. This is T-rated Nyx. Nothing explicit, but a lot of crudeness and suggestiveness. And a good amount of regular old profanity.

* * *

** The Midnight Desert, 7 days before the Battle of the Storm Spire **

* * *

All the insecurity banished in the face of far more overwhelming feelings, Callum looked at her, breathless and beautiful and in his arms, sweet curve of pink lips slightly parted and swollen - because they had just _kissed,_ kissed _a lot,_ and would kiss _again_ by all accounts and-

And he needed Rayla to know, know how precious she was to him, how breathtaking and amazing. He didn’t have the words, he’d demonstrated that plainly. But he needed her to know, and now he could.

He ran his fingers through her fine white hair, luminous in the moonlight, brushed his thumb across her forehead, her cheek, her delicate pointed ear, her graceful neck in reverent wonder.

His lips followed. He kissed the slightly sunburnt tip of her nose, the curve of a delicate white eyebrow, her temple, the corner of her jaw right below her ear-

Rayla gasped, the sound very, _very_ audible in the quiet of the desert. 

“Oi! Lovebugs! Score’s 10 for enthusiasm, and 3 for situational awareness!” Nyx shouted at them from her perch atop the ambler’s head.

“Mind your own business, you overgrown pigeon!” Rayla shouted back, despite having turned a pink color that was definitely more than sunburn.

“I will, as soon as we establish the rules of this transport. In case I was being coy before: This ride is a clean ride. No dirty deeds on this ride.” Well _that_ was rich, coming from her. “Wicker can’t be sanitized, you hormonal little barbarians!”

[…]

Rayla looked at him fondly, both her hands coming up to frame his face. Incidentally, that also left quite a good handle for her when she leant over to him, her lips gentle against his and then, after a while, less gentle.

When his back hit the floor of the saddle with a _thump_ , it was really as much because of his innate lack of balance and coordination as it was Rayla’s enthusiasm, but-

“Lovebugs!” Oh _no._ “Keep it vertical! Newly added subclause to the previously established rule of this transport.”

“You can’t just add new rules all the time!” Callum yelled indignantly. How were they even supposed to follow her dumb rules if they changed on a whim?

“Just protecting my reputation, sweetheart!”

“He’s _my_ fucking sweetheart!” Rayla yelled angrily. Callum’s heart swelled. Rayla shouting profanity at some perverted pigeon lady was not how he imagined getting verbal confirmation that she liked him like that, but he did not mind very much. He was her _sweetheart._

“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of!” Nyx yelled back, unflappable despite the wings. “You entered this transport hopeless, awkward virgins, and by Garlath’s funky crotch-winds, you’ll leave it that way! I’m not that kind of ride!”

* * *

** 5 years and a POV shift from dorky lovebug to wedding-crashing, shit-stirring pigeon later… **

* * *

“What are _you_ doing here?” The less friendly one of the lovebugs might have gone up in the world, might be a proper married lady now, might be a vision of grace and beauty in some ethereal confection of a dress, but at least the anger was familiar.

“Really Rayla, is that any way to talk to the lady responsible for all this precious bliss?” Nyx asked.

“ _How?_ You stranded us in a desert. Callum was _14 years old_ at the time, and you stranded us in a desert full of things that could kill us.”

“I knew love would find a way? And I was right, wasn’t I?”

“LOVE WOULD FIND A WAY?! What the fuck kinda oversized ambler crap is _that?_ Even for you that’s a new level of crappitude.”

“I take offense to the ambler crap part. I don’t think you fully appreciate just how big a pile of crap that is.”

“Oh, I think I do. Fly away please. It’s my wedding, I’m not a blushing maiden anymore and I’m not stuck on your stupid, non-sanitizable transport.” Rayla said, actually managing to reestablish some calm. Maybe she had grown? Well, one way to find out!

“NOT A MAIDEN?! I’m so sorry my child. You left the safety of my transport and its very reasonable rules, and out of my watchful eye allowed the boy to defile-”

“LEAVING!” Rayla stated very firmly, stalking away with a floosh of floaty skirts. Well, that was just bad manners.

**

Nyx did not need the overly rude bride’s approval to enjoy this shindig, when there were bottles of bubbly wine everywhere and little tiny bites of food on trays that just came to _you_ if you yelled at the waiters enough. She found herself a chair and a tray of the best kind of the tiny food, a bottle of the bubbly and she was set. Utensils and glass optional. Company would be nice, but as it happened, company was already approaching.

“Hi! Your wings are cool!” A dark-skinned kid with too much fluffy hair and a bright and open expression that was just every con-woman’s dream smiled brightly at her.

“Why thank you! Finally _someone_ in this dump who knows how to talk to a lady.”

“Maybe it’s because you weren’t really invited? Or because you stranded the bride and groom in a desert? Or because you tried to kidnap the officiant? Or-”

“Sheesh, I get it. You’re clearly very well-informed. But why are _you_ being so nice then?”

“I believe in second chances. You must be here for a reason.”

“Free grub?” She suggested. Some of the human food was weird, but overall this was some quality catering.

“There’s probably sources of free grub closer to the midnight desert than this. Especially if you can fly.” Oh, shredded fartflowers, this kid was informed _and_ smart.

“I guess.” She relented. That was hard to dispute, and she knew when to fold.

“So why _are_ you here?”

“Fine. I was curious. Can you blame me? I screwed them over. Then the blushing bride over there saved my smackable ass when she had no reason to. Then I witnessed them get together in the most spectacular garbage fire of collective awkwardness I’ve ever seen. Five years pass, and I find out one’s a prince, they’re getting married… Well. I was intrigued. That’s some strong odds they defied there, I mean I wouldn’t really have put _my_ money on Mr. Gullibility-is-my-middle-name and Miss Devoid-of-self-preservation-skills - well, Mrs. I guess, now - making it to adulthood let alone down the aisle.”

“You were not just curious then. You were curious and _invested._ ” The _hell?_

“Garlath’s putrid ass-breath you’re one perceptive little motherfucker.”

“Thanks!” The kid said happily.

“It wasn’t really a compliment. It’s actually super annoying.”

“Oh, Rayla says so too. But no, I meant thanks for the new swear words! I’ve never heard those before, they’re great!”

“Have you heard of Garlath’s funky crotch winds? They’re the funkiest of winds.”

“No! But I want to! You have more?” Asked the kid eagerly. How anyone could refuse that cute mug beaming at them, she did not know.

“Kid, sit down next to mama Nyx and get ready to feast your ears-”

“Oh HELL no!” The groom yelled from across the room. He stalked over to them, looking thunderous.

“Aww, Cal _luuum_!” The boy whined. “I just wanted to-”

“NO! You bestowed special groom-powers upon me earlier, remember? So deal with it and find someone else, Ez. This one is a winged menace.” Callum had crossed his arms, looking very uncharacteristically stern for someone who had been all… squishy and jumpy last she saw him.

“Fine.” The kid stomped away, pouting dramatically. “See if I ever give you groom-powers again!”

“So. Hi Nyx.” Callum said, unimpressed.

“Why are you so grumpy on your wedding day?”

“Oh, it could not possibly have anything to do with the oversized pigeon crashing my reception uninvited, upsetting my inten- uh, I mean… my wife-” A really doofy smile briefly broke through the annoyance on his face. “-eating far more than her share of the canapés, teaching profanity to children-”

“What, that kid? Wasn’t he, like 15 years old? Surely he was older than you were, when you almost did some very adult horizontal activities on my transport-”

Callum’s cheeks reddened. “We did NOT almost do that!” Oh, he was a boy still, even if he was a recently married man.

“I was there kid. You should be grateful. It’s your wedding day. Think of the scandal if I had not been there to keep you kids from defiling the sanctity of-”

“GET OUT!” He yelled, so unexpectedly and intensely angry that she actually took a step back.

“Whoa! Like, I get that I’m annoying you but where did _that_ come from?”

“Do you think at _all_ before you spout your crap? That we are a human and an elf who have openly been in a relationship for five years. That a lot of people have told us we were defiling this and that, being together. Trust me that the humor has worn thin.”

“So when you said I upset Rayla… you _meant_ it?”

“YES! How is that _so_ hard to understand. It’s her wedding day! She’s been through enough crap in her life, you actually saw some of that crap right in front of you. You took advantage of it to screw us over, so I know you noticed. So please. Leave her alone.” Sheesh. Testy.

He walked away.

**

Nyx had managed to grab a bottle of the good wine, and had just found a place to enjoy it, when she was approached by a pretty young girl all decked out in white and gold like a wannabe Sunfire priestess.

“Who’re you? You’re very fancy-looking.”

“I am Aanya. And thank you for your kind words. That was exactly the criteria on which I based the selection of my outfit for this event.”

“What _do_ they feed human children? You’re too young to be that sarcastic, have anyone ever told you that?”

“People tend not to tell their regents such things, so no. Although I am sure a lot of people have wanted to.”

“Regent… so you’re-”

“Queen Aanya of Duren. Yes. Pleased to make your acquaintance Miss…?”

“Naimi-Selari-Nykantia. But people call me-”

“Miss Naimi-Selari-Nykantia. May I trouble you for-”

“Wait. You _got_ my name?”

The kid, or queen or whatever, rolled her eyes. “Oh, yours is neither the longest nor the most inane name I have had to pronounce.” The girl lowered her voice and gestured subtly with her head. “That man over there, in the fuchsia cloak? His name is Zen-Duhvif Monrodoosk Manelzumzu. Yes. If I might return to my precious enquiry, however? May I trouble you for a moment? As a ruler, I am regrettably uninformed on the subject of colloquialisms. In particular those outside my own jurisdiction, such as our neighbors to the east. So if I may ask your assistance in this matter?”

“Oh. You’re friends with that other kid, aren’t you? The ridiculously wholesome one with the abundance of hair? He asked you to ask me, right?”

“King Ezran. Yes. And I am here at his behest, that is true.”

“ _King_ Ezran? You really can’t break wind around here without royalty getting a whiff. And you’re saying… you want me to teach you to swear the Xadian way?”

“If you want to put it so crudely, yes.”

“ _Crudely?!_ Kid, _you’re_ the one asking me to tell you dirty words!”

“No. I am asking you kindly to enlighten me on the colloquialisms of your homeland.” Aanya smiled sweetly. “It is of course your prerogative to refuse my request.”

“Wow. I am actually grateful we’re not enemies anymore.”

“I share your sentiment, if not your manner of expressing it. Or the reasons for it, I expect. Would you acquiesce to my request then?”

“Sure. Why the flying fucksticks not? Consider it my good deed for the night. Your vocabulary is expansive but bland. Aunty Nyx will add the spice it needs to take you to the next level of sass.”

“Take me then.” The _far_ too young girl smirked. “To the next level of sass.”

**

After doing her part to advance the sass levels of the Duren monarchy and running out of wine, she was approached by the bride, once again.

“You’re still here.” Rayla said, calm now, just a statement. Not even a little bit of blushy ears.

It was good she was here. There was unfinished business. She, Naimi-Selari-Nykantia, was, if nothing else, open-minded, and she could clearly not just leave such a grave misunderstanding of her character unchallenged.

“You realize I was just messing with you before, right?” Nyx said. “It’s a safe bet to assume that’s what I’m doing, 95% of the time. Not like I actually go around hating on people for who they choose to boink. When they’re not choosing to boink on my fine, imported wicker, it’s nothing to do with me, is how I feel about it.”

Rayla ignored the latter half of that. Maybe married life had mellowed her out. An impressive feat in just three hours of it. “Of course I realize that. But there are two parts of communication. It’s not enough to only take responsibility for what you _intended_ to say. Words have meaning beyond your intent. And in this case, what you intended was by your own admittance going out of your way to mess with people on their wedding day, which really isn’t that sympathetic either.”

“Yeah, my thing is more wit and charm than being sympathetic.”

Rayla rolled her eyes. “We met five years ago. So you probably realize my thing used to be deep-seated insecurity and instinctive defensiveness. If your thing is not a good thing, you can change your thing.”

“Nah, I’ll stick with my thing. It works for me.”

“Sure. You’re a 30-year-old wedding crasher. No one could possibly dispute how well your thing is working for you.”

“Oh _snap!_ Well, you kept the sass, at least. That’s a good thing to have as your new thing.”

Rayla smirked. “My new thing is not being defined by any one thing.” Kid took the angry snark and turned it into… whatever this was. Well shit.

“Well excuse me princess. Some of us have to work for a living. Not all cons work out so well you never have to do another. Your first try at seduction and you land a prince? That’s beginner’s luck that is.”

“You were there. Did I look like I was trying to seduce him?”

She tried to recall what Rayla had looked like at the time. Pretty of course, in that elegant, prissy, Moonshadow way. But skinny and angry, bruises and half-healed cuts and sunburn marring the pale skin. And the boy had still looked at her like she hung the moon and stars. Some people really didn’t even have to try. “You looked like an urchin that spent the night in a tree. And then fought the tree. And lost. I suppose you’d have made more of an effort if you were going for the old honey trap. But it worked anyway. Worked so well you got that adorable little dork seducing _you_ as I recall. Now that’s talent. Shame you’re a married woman now.”

“It’s that farfetched to you that we were in love then and still are?”

“Yeah, sorry. That just goes against my religious beliefs.”

“And yet you’re at our wedding right now.” Rayla pointed out, really a very tenuous argument. There were a lot of reasons to be at a wedding. Clearly she was unappreciative of the inherent entertainment value of meddling.

“Pure academic curiosity.” Nyx suggested.

“Sure. You seem like the scholarly type. Anyways, see you never, I’m off to talk to the people I actually wanted to be here.”

“Rayla! I thought we were buddies!”

“Feel free to drown the crippling loss of our friendship. Far away from Callum and I. Bar’s over there.” Rayla gestured vaguely. WAIT! There was a _bar?!_

“Well princess, it looks like you managed to keep me here a while longer.”


	2. Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyx faces the collective wholesomeness of Ezran, Ellis and Gren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! Didn't get to feature Soren or Lujanne like I wanted to, but ah well. And I think I'm tapped out with this one now! This chapter already feels not as fresh or fun as the first, but I wanted to share it anyway :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Well, the bar was pretty much dead. No-one at this shindig seemed to have their priorities straight. At least the drinks were good. Fizzy. Changing color. All these uptight Moonshadow elves were good for _something._

Nyx sidled up to the only other person seated at the counter, an uptight-looking blonde, seeming desperately in need of loosening up. “Hey toots, have some actual alcohol! Who sits at a bar drinking _water?_ Well, I know who! People in dire need of my delightful and fun influence is who!”

“No thank you. I am working.”

“At a party? Boo for you. What is your job anyway? Party-pooper?”

“Sadly, yes. I am Opeli, advisor to the Katolis monarchy.”

“Oh, it’s _you_ I have to see about compensation for my services.”

“I very much doubt you have ever provided a service anyone have wanted or asked for.”

“Harsh! And you’d be surprised, sweetheart. But I was referring to my chaperone services.”

“Excuse me?”

“Thanks to me, the royal line of succession is unbesmirched. Your crown prince would have happily made little premarital halflings, right there on my clean, respectable transport! Preventing that kind of scandal should be worth _something._ ” It really should. So much work.

“I have confidence in my crown prince, and that he has and will make sensible choices.” Opeli said stiffly.

“And you have _met_ your crown prince?”

“Ah. Yes. You might… have a point.”

“I always do!” Nyx said, confident in that assessment. “My sympathies, really. I had your job for a few days, and it almost killed me, keeping those crazy kids out of trouble.”

“I was led to believe you stranded them in a desert? Would that not constitute getting them _into_ trouble?”

“Not at all! Their plans were way worse! They were going to transport a baby dragon to the dragon queen, in some harebrained scheme to stop the war or something… Really, I was doing them a favor. Worst thing they could get up to in that Oasis was making illegitimate halfling babies. I stranded two lovestruck idiots in a tropical paradise, free to make sweet, passionate clumsy virgin-love to their hearts’ content while I did their job for them! It was a misunderstanding, the whole thing. Word like ‘kidnapping’ and ‘stranding’ are really very negatively loaded, paints a very biased picture of events, really.”

“…quite.”

“You’re kinda hard to talk to, you know? I would have thought our shared experiences in the art of lovebug-wrangling would have bonded us closer together?”

“It has occasionally been… a challenge. I recall once-” Opeli stopped, sounding rather strained. “I think… I will have that glass of wine.”

“Oh, dish! You can let it aaaaall out!”

**

Well, Opeli had been surprisingly good company after they got shots with the fake fire and sparkles, but Nyx had her priorities, and no way was she letting _this_ hunk of man pass without at least a cursory attempt.

“You’re the father of the bride, I presume.” She said. Only male Moonshadow in the age range.

“Ethari, yes. Well met to you too, miss.” The man said pleasantly, bowing politely. Hot, _and_ he knew how to treat a lady? Where was the sign-up sheet?

“Ah, so she didn’t get her manners from you, I see.”

“No, I rather spectacularly failed to curb the sass. I’m afraid I was entirely too endeared by it.” He smiled fondly, looking over at the bride, now in conversation with the fancy little queen. “And I have never known her to be mean-spirited about it. To those who did not deserve it, that is.” Well, maybe not _entirely_ without sharp edges, this one. Just made it better, really. Completed the very muscular package.

“She called me an overgrown pigeon. That’s mean. You should spank her. Or me. I did call _her_ a hormonal little barbarian. Mine was warranted though. You should thank me, because you’re too young to be a grandpa. And then you should spank me.”

“I like men. Exclusively.”

“A tragedy of ambler-level proportions, but I’ll live.”

“I’m glad to hear it. And I would love to be a grandpa. Can you imagine how cute their children would be?” He actually looked serious. Tragic in so many ways, this man. Priorities _all_ out of whack. Who _wanted_ little runts around, when your own runt had _just_ started being someone else’s problem?

“Yes! Totes adorbs, right? Her complete defiance of common sense and self-preservation and his gullibility and near-catastrophic density levels. Just no way _that’s_ a lethal combination of traits.”

“Ah, you’d be surprised how good a match it is. Just because something might take a little more effort, does not mean it is not worth doing.”

“Well, you did keep _her_ alive for 20 years. I tip my non-existent hat to you for _that_ feat.”

“…Excuse me.” Well, at least he looked fine walking away, too.

**

“Nyx! You sexually harassed my father?!” Bride was stomping back towards her.

“If by that you mean that I hit on that fine piece of tragically gay ass over there, then yeah.”

“Tragic, yes. Not the only tragedy in the vicinity.” Rayla said, crossing her arms and looking pointedly at her.

“Is that any way to talk to the lady who could have been your stepmother, if not for the cruel twist of fate that made that sweet, delicious man-meat immune to my womanly wiles?”

“Yes.”

“That’s a really boring response. Your dad told me he encouraged the sass? Is that any way to honor his legacy? Engage with me here. I’m bored.”

“No.”

“I mourn the sad, sad death of your sass, coming to a tragic end with the advent of your nuptials.”

“Oh, it’s not dead.” Rayla said, smirking in a way that might just be… _actual_ confidence? Whoa. “Just more efficient. Few words, great impact. Speaking off. Have you met Callum’s Aunt?” She pointed. “You should. You’ll just love her.” Rayla pointed at a tall woman, who, seen from the back, at least, definitely seemed like a delightful piece of ass worth knowing, now that the other half of the wedded couple’s parental figures were tapped out.

_Well, don’t mind if I do!_

**

“Rayla tells me you’re a lady of few words? I can appreciate that.”

…

“Nice. Succinct. Don’t go in for that sorta thing myself much, my wit and charm is just too much of a gift to the world to contain. Wouldn’t be right.

…

“Hey, you could at _least_ look at me, that’s just good manners.”

…

“Quiet type, I see. I can dig it. More talking for me. I _like_ talking. But I guess you’ve noticed. And you haven’t told me to get lost or anything, so I take that as confirmation that you like me talking as well. You know, your nephew? We go way back. Not to brag or anything, but I’m responsible for orchestrating the serendipity of events that led to these nuptials. No need to thank me though, it’s a public service. I saw that sweet, hopeless bundle of hormonal awkwardness, and just thought to myself - what that boy needs is a lady who’ll throw him over her shoulder and just manhandle him- Hey! You’re looking! Awesome to put a face to the silent acknowledgement of my every word, I-”

The woman signed something at her, who knew what, but it was definitely _something_ profane.

“Hey! That was _rude!”_ Nyx protested.

The woman pointed to her ears.

“What?! You mean to say that could not actually hear _anything_ I said?! My fine, vintage sass, imported all the way from Xadia, gone to waste…”

Well, this sign she recognized.

“That was _also_ rude! I know you just told me to shove it, you know. Like I’ve never been told to shove it in sign language before, really?! I’ve _lived_ lady!”

**

Well, the red-haired man approaching her as Callum’s Aunt left just had stick-in-the-mud written all over him. Might be fun. She would give it a go at this point, this party was _dead._ “Hello miss. Very nice to meet you. I am Commander Gren, interpreter for General Amaya. I saw you talking to her?”

“Yeah, I met your boss. Nice lady. Curt.”

“Oh, if you need my assistance to converse with her, I am happy to oblige. It is always a pleasure meeting new people and facilitating mutually enjoyable social interaction.” Was that sarcasm? That _had_ to be sarcasm. Right? RIGHT?!

“Ah. That’s a no. She does _not_ want to talk to me. The profanity she levelled at me was basically a universal language. I definitely got what she was saying, loud and clear.”

“General Amaya has a refreshingly frank and direct manner, does she not?” _Frank and direct?_ Was this guy just a professional bull-shitter? No. He’d probably call it bull-dropper. With a straight face. “I see it as my finest task to convey her intent. In a manner digestible to those less appreciative of her more colorful vocabulary.”

“So you’re basically… paid to be a wet blanket.”

“Not the worst job in the world! If a blanket is wet, that means you just washed it, and it will soon be a nice clean blanket.”

“Impressive optimism there. Amazing that you’re still alive. But really. Your job is to scrub out all the delightful filth that constitutes the spice of life and language, from your boss’ hand signs? That literally does sound like the worst job in the world.”

“I enjoy it! Takes all sorts to make a world, right?”

“You know what? Not worth it. You’re clearly a lost cause.”

“It was very nice meeting you too, Nyx!”

**

Well, the too-wholesome kid from before was not the worst company in the world, and all the little cakes were at his table for some reason, so really, no better place to be. “You’ve been holding out on me, I hear? _King_ Ezran?” Nyx said, as she plonked down by the table, helping herself to some of those weird triangular tarts.

“Yeah, sorry. People usually won’t tell me that kind of stuff if they know I’m the king.” Ezran said, looking genuinely apologetic. Wow, that was just honestly one of the saddest things she’d ever heard. Cut off from the spice of life at such a young age, all for the misfortune of birth. Tragic, really.

“ _I_ would. Told that kind of stuff to the fancy little queen with the expansive-but-bland vocabulary.”

“You are right. I should not have doubted you. I need to give people a chance to prove my preconceptions wrong, that’s important to keep in mind. Thank you for reminding me.” The kid looked way too sincere and reproached. Really no fun at all, sad as it was.

“It’s okay Ez. You’re trying really hard.” The girl next to him, not the fancy queen, but some adorable doe-eyed little farmgirl, took his hand. “And most people really are all weird and stiff around you because you’re king.” She smiled brightly at him. “It’s okay to need a break. You can always visit me at the Moon Nexus, and I’ll throw that dumb crown into the lake and you can just be Ez for a few days.”

“Thanks Ellis. I’d like that. It’s hard sometimes, to remember who I want to be. But it’s easy with you. Always.” Barf. Ran in the family, clearly.

“So, how do you know the couple?” The girl, Ellis apparently, asked, looking curiously up at her.

“I kidnapped the officiant and stranded them in a desert.” Everyone just magically seemed to know anyway. Whatever.

“People meet in _so_ many interesting ways!”

“Oh no. Another one. Like the professional wet blanket. With the red hair.”

“Gren, yes! Such a nice guy, right?” Ellis said eagerly. Really? Still not even a little bit of indication that this ridiculous level of positivity was not real. NO-ONE could be this good of an actor! What _did_ they feed human children?!

“…right.”

“So how did _you two_ meet?” Ellis asked, gesturing at her and the esteemed King Ezran, currently wiping sticky jam-hands delicately on the napkin.

“Oh, she was the pigeon I was telling you about!” Ezran said eagerly. “Who taught me the cool new swear words? And Aanya got a LOT more out of her, she’ll tell us later. When Callum leaves. Won’t be long, he’s a lightweight and there’s been a lot of toasts. And he was just staring straight at Rayla’s butt, throughout the whole 20 minutes of councilman Bakei’s speech, and he clearly thought he was subtle about it.” Well, couldn’t blame him there. That ass in that flimsy dress was just begging for some appreciation.

Ellis burst out laughing. “I… I thought you meant an actual… pigeon,” She gasped out.

Ezran laughed too, bafflingly amused by the unfunny and frankly insulting insinuation. “Oh yeah! I should have probably clarified. I see how that was the most logical conclusion.” HOW was that the most logical conclusion?! Was everyone here just complete insane? “No, the pigeon is this lady here.”

“I am _not_ a pigeon!”

“No, it’s a metaphor.” Ezran said patiently, as if this was any kind of explanation.

“That’s _not_ what a metaphor is! I’m not a metaphorical pigeon either! I just have wings! That’s not enough to make me a metaphorical pigeon!” Uncultured swains, the lot of them!

“Oh, Callum said you were a pigeon because you liked to root around in the gutter and also make annoying noises that interrupted private conversations. Nothing to do with the wings.” Rude! She would have to have another talk with the groom about besmirching her good name!

“Shit. That IS a metaphor.” Such a fine burn too, and Callum had not even said it to _her?_ What was his major malfunction? He had certainly been plenty angry at her. She would never understand coming up with such an inspired insult and not sharing it with the relevant recipient.

“Yeah, Callum is really smart.”

“He’s a fucking reprobate, is what he is!”

“Thank you for sharing more of those cool Xadian phrases! We really do appreciate it!” Ellis said brightly.

“It’s basically a public service to spice up your entirely too squeaky-clean little love-nugget’s vocabulary. You’re welcome.”

“Oh, he’s not- I mean, we’re not… that would mean-” The thus-far remarkably sure and confident girl was turning quite red now.

“Yeah, Ellis and I aren’t… you know. That would be super weird. Right?” King Ezran said, so determinedly not looking at Ellis he managed to plant his elbow in one of the prettiest and squishiest cakes.

“Oh no. You’re the new generation of lovebugs, aren’t you? I would just be repeating myself at this point, and you’re so gosh-darn cutesy even my finest filth would not stick, I just know it! Everyone at this boring-ass excuse for a party is too wholesome! Nyx OUT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm done now, haha! Hope you enjoyed Nyx's defeat by wholesomeness :D

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Yeah, this might be the closest to crack fic I ever have or will write. (Those of you who’ve seen my crack Rayllum comics and dispute this point - they don’t count, they’re on an entirely different crack scale!)
> 
> There’s still a lot of characters at this wedding Nyx hasn’t talked to, so there may be a chapter 2 at some point. Really there’s a bunch of comedic potential in Opeli, Amaya, Ethari, Soren, Lujanne… I left it open-ended for that reason. Out of ideas for now though, so posting it.


End file.
